Friday, March 20, 2009

Terror Australis - Stupid people stay away

Yesterday, I sent an email to a friend listing all the things he can do on his holiday to Port Douglas. I finished the email by saying "The area is well worth the visit and you will enjoy provided you don’t get eaten by a shark or croc, stung by a jellyfish or bitten by a snake or catch dengue fever".

Whether you are a local or a foreign devil, we all know that Australia flora and funa is actively trying to kill you all the time. Redbacks don't just sit in their web, they hide under the toilet seat to launch a surprise attack. The croc or shark you don't see is the one that gets you. Snakes hide in the long grass where you can't see 'em and Dropbears are perfectly camouflaged by the foliage overhead.

Knowing this just makes the Logan man bitten by a Black snake seem really dumb! He figured an injured snake would know he was just trying to help!!! I reckon a couple of stubbies might have been involved in this incident.

Of course, reading this incident brought back memories of the truly moronic Darwin man that decided to collect a King Brown snake for the local pubs fish tank. He not only got bitten catching the snake, but he then put his hand back in the bag with the snake and got bitten several more times. He ended up in a coma for 6 weeks and lost his arm, but that isn't the funny part of the story (although it is pretty funny). The funny part is while they raced to the hospital, his mate administered first aid to keep him awake by pouring beer on him. Probably a good idea as these guys are soooo dumb, I bet he was driving!

I was looking (unsuccessfully) for the original newspaper article, complete with photo of the one armed guy in a wheelchair, when I discovered this site. The site contains 6 snake myths that have fooled gullible people and was astounded to find I hadn't really heard of any of them.

Snake Myths that have fooled gullible people

  • The Death Adder has a sting in its tail. Being amongst the most poisoness snakes in the world wasn't enough?
  • Snakes hypnotise their prey. How do they hold the watch without hands?
  • Tiger Snakes chase people. You should run uphill to escape them. If they chase you, why would running uphill help?
  • Snakes milk cows. WTF!!!!
  • If you kill one of a pair of Tiger Snakes, its mate will hunt you down to take its revenge. Wasn't that the plot for one of the Jaws films?
  • In Australia, there is a Hoop Snake that takes its tail in its mouth and then goes bowling merrily along. I think I saw this on an episode of the Simpsons.

So my conclusion after all this is, if you are stupid, stay the hell away from Australia.

*Note: I just found out that Terror Australis is the name of the 501st Legion of Star Wars costume enthusiasts. http://501tag.com/newlowsite/home.html

25 comments:

  1. I have known this for a long time and warn the kids when we visit every couple of years that if it moves in Australia,it kills you so be careful. This is why I am always wary when the wife has a knife in her hand in the kitchen, her being an Aussie!

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  2. Of course the English are the natural enemy of all things Australian. The continent has been trying to kill them since they first arrived about 200 years ago.

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  3. You have heard of the 'Darwin Awards', haven't you? Not exactly awards for the best and brightest, so the snake guy should have been a shoo-in. I don't remember reading about him in my Darwin Awards, but he deserves an Honorable Mention!

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  4. Doanli, I am pretty sure the Darwin King Brown guy did get an honorable mention.

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  5. Natural selection at its finest - a shame that they saved him. Let us hope that he hasn't bred.

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  6. Yeah, maybe they should have amputated more than the second guy's arm.

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  7. Hey don't mess with the cosplay dudes in the 501st legion, they are hard core.

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  8. Hmmm. yes, we do have them here. Bad hit that is, but you know what?, its what makes us Australians the toughest motherfuckers on the planet........Come get some!

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  9. With the medieval club, we get a lot of American visitors. I have a standard rant that goes roughly like this "I have no idea what fairyland you come from, where you can run through the forest and randomly touch things. Here, anything that moves can probably kill you. Half the plants can kill you as well, and it takes years of study to figure out which half. If you encounter any type of animal, back away slowly, and find a local. Scratch that - a trustworthy, sober local you would lend $50 to. Then ask them what to do."

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  10. Barnes - There ain't nothing I can say that they ain't heard before. Mind you they do seem to do a lot of work with kid's charities, so good on them.

    Havock - hear hear!

    Bart - Wise word, although finding a trustworthy, sober local you would lend $50 to might be difficult.

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  11. Could have been a Darwin Awards nominee but they have to die to be considered worthy. Naut - just don't tell them about bunyips. Too scary.

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  12. Therbs - that's why he only got an honourable mention. Bunyips, the reason australia's population is so low.

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  13. Old mate that got nailed recently is a fucken tool. Fucken hicks. There wasn't enough teeth in his neighbourhood to fill one mouth. He rode his bike - push.bike - while carrying the dead snake to his mates place and ended up losing it on his mates front lawn. Big surprise.

    I like Australia, but you're right, you are nowhere near the top of the food chain here.

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  14. What I like is we don't have enough dangerous things around here, so we have hoop snakes, drop bears and bunyips added to the list.

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  15. Moko - The Kiwi being a flightless bird puts you even lower on the food chain!

    Bangar - Not to mention Havock, I reckon he belongs on the list somewhere.

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  16. I got chased by a king brown - those fuckers will chase you. No question. I stripped off my shirt as i was running and it attacked that. I thought i was going to die

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  17. Moko, the food chain doesn't count. Most of them doesn't kills ya to eat or feed their young. They kills ya just because...

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  19. I remember that story too - and also flailed in trying to find it online - the best bit was the mate who kept him conscious by not only pouring beer on him but by him and his mates punching him in the head.

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  20. Is it irony if a man from Darwin wins a Darwin award?

    And he can qualify, if his accident renders him unable to breed. Losing an arm and being famous for being "the guy that played with a king brown" sure would make a woman lose interest in carrying your seed.

    I've never wanted to visit, yet been so terrified to visit, anyplace as much as Australia. Is there anywhere you can go where there isn't something actively trying to kill you?

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  21. Uamada - You should have thrown it your jocks, they probably would have needed changing!

    BBA - Lol

    Dr Y - That is definately my favourite part and I am positive that he would have been driving while semi-conscious, pissed and with his mate pouring beer on him and punching him.

    Steve - Unfortunately modern society dictates the being famous, even if it is for stupidity, still makes you attractive to the opposite sex. I give you Paris Hilton. The only safe place in Aus is the pub, providing some dickhead for darwin has put a King Brown in the fish tank.

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  22. "So my conclusion after all this is, if you are stupid, stay the hell away from Australia."

    Naut you do realise that you've just depopulated our fine land by nearly 60%?

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  23. I'm sure that last one was in Snake Tales when I was a kid.

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  24. Chaz - you say that like it's a bad thing. Anyway, dumb people that come here are going to find the local flora and funa depopulating them anyway.

    Abe - Actually, I think you may well be right!

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  25. Only 60%! Chaz hasn't spent enough time in Qld!

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