Monday, January 12, 2009

Russian Mafia Barber

Ok, so I am posting here now, that ought to confuse you all.

Got my hair cut on the weekend. I had been trying to grow it long, but I just don't have the patience to stuff around with long hair.

Why would I want long hair, I hear you ask.

Well two reasons really.

1. I had long hair when I was 16 and it seemed ok at the time. Mind you I spent so much time at the beach back then that it was permanently salt encrusted which made it easier to manage.

2. Males on Dad's side of the family traditionally go bald young. My granddad was balding, my dad is balding and my brother is balding. I inherited my hair from Mum's side of the family and so have never even had a hint of balding. So by growing my long I would be rubbing it in to my dad and brother (granddad won't care as I find dead people seldom give a stuff what the living are doing).

The problem is that as hair is on top of my head and I can't see it, I can't really be bothered spending much time on it. So for me, short is the best option.

Sunday I dropped into the barber's in the local shopping centre. This is an actual barbers shop and not one of those chain hair cutting places like Just Cuts.

I keep going back to this place for one simple reason. Not because they do a great job and I am really happy with them, I get my hair cut that short it is kind of irrelevant. Not because all the staff are female with big jugs, too much risk of turning your head at the wrong moment and getting scissors in the eye.

I go there because they don't even attempt to make small talk. They just sit you down and cut your hair.

The guy I had on Sunday was a classic example of the staff at this barbers. He is a big guy, couple of inches taller than me and probably carrying an extra 10kgs. Cheap, faded, dodgy tatt poking out from under his short sleeves and a blank, unemotional look on his face.

The guy only spoke to me three times to ask; what I wanted, to clarify one point and then to ask if it was short enough.

He didn't even ask me to tilt my head forward. If he wanted me to tilt forward then he continually whacked me in the back of the head until I did. When he wanted my head back up, then he slapped me in the forehead until I lifted it back up. There was no gentle but insistent pressure, he just whacked me till I moved.

You may think this seems a bit strange, but actually it makes complete sense. You see most of the staff at the barbers speak in a thick Russian accent, so clearly the shop is a money laundering scheme for the Russian Mafia.

Suffice to say, they don't get many complaints.


  1. I had a friend who would only get his hair cut at places that had a newsagent in front and guys called Luigi working there. This is obviously the new version of that...

  2. Actually, the place seems to have character. Albeit a shady one.

  3. I got one of my tattoos at a Banditos tattoo shop. Didn't find out till he has half way through it.

    No complaint department there. Well, not one ya wanna ask about anyway.

    OH, welcome to blogger mate.

  4. Know what you mean. I can't be stuffed worrying about hair so I get it cut short a few times a year by people I trust to do a decent job. Generally they're barbers. In Sydney down near haymarket there's a bvunch of cheap chop shops which are hit and miss. I went to one once and after a botched job went and got another one to just buzz it. Then I went to the pub fishing for compliments. No compliments, but the beer was fine.

  5. Bob - Is that kind of place that they always seem to be selling chewing gum?

    MM - yeah it does in a tacky kind of way. Especially for inside a shopping centre.

    Moko - Did the tattoo end up being a gun totting mexican?

    Therbs - I always figure if anyone screws it up too bad them I just shave it. One of the advantages of being male.

  6. Interesting, think i'll stick with my barber who plays "Grand designs" and "top Gear" on the big flat screen and has lots of skin mags (for the kiddies) plus two arcade machines.

  7. Come on Chaz, where's the character in that?

  8. Tonuzilla! Tonyzilla! NEVERRRRR!

    You were Nautilis, are Nautilis and forever shall be Nautilis...

    My local barber is called "The Shearing Shed" and they cut hair like they are in a shearing shed.

    I go to an old Hungarian up the road. He does not expect you to talk because once you've told him what you want he starts talking without a break and offers his opinion on everything until he has finished.

    You know he is finished because his last words are "Dat be fifteen Dollars. Dank you.". Upon saying he falls silent with his hand out.

  9. Where'd you go for that haircut? Fort Jackson? Parris Island? Stick with the places that have sports on TV and warm, friendly, nubile haircutresses for your tonsorial pleasure!

  10. Pictures of you hair, please! ;)

    I like hairstylists talking to me, it's just when they talk so much that a 30 minute job turns into an hour and a half. (I went to a stylist who was like that, but she was such a dear friend that I couldn't stop for a long time...until she didn't show up for an appointment, and that was it.)

  11. Urr, baldness is inherited through the mother's side, so your dad got it from your gramma, and your brother got it from someone in your mom's side. Any baldies over there? If so, you stand as good a chance of one day raising your fist to the sky and yelling "WHY ME, GOD???!!!!111!!!!"

  12. BBA - Talking like that I would mind, cause it would be like background music.

    C'mon YD, I thought you were hardcore!

    Donanli - I knew someone was going to ask. Not ready to display my face or hair to the world just yet. Now see you go to a hairSTYLIST, that's a whole other thing and I would have to get a hairSTYLE to go down that path.

    Steve - No baldness on Mum's side and males on dad's side are showing signs by 21. So at 34 I reckon I am pretty much in the clear.

  13. I to have the love of short hair - My flatmates and I just clipped our own hair. One third of $50 per approx three years of haircuts :)

  14. Bart I would love to go the shaved head path but I have 2 issues:

    1. I look kind of funny with a shaved head
    2. I know a fair few punks, rockers, etc and there are always skinheads around. I don't want them to think I am one of them.

    Oh and the wife doesn't want me too, but that is more of a reason to do it.

  15. Naut I've considered letting my hair grow, but my hairdresser likes it short so short is how I have it.

  16. I have often considered when the hairdresser asks how I want my hair, replying "your the professional, how the fuck would i know".

    Hey that wiki article suggests that baldness coming from your Mum's side is no longer the popular theory. Kind of explains my brother.

  17. I tell people that the reason my dad is bald is cause he is the shortest in the family and we all pat him on top of the head as we go past.

  18. "Amusing but cruel", I think I have the quote for my tombstone right there!

  19. It is tough to find a good barber. One of the biggest challenges in life - you don't want one that talks, has a cue or lacks hygeine. Remarkable how difficult it is to find all three in conjunction

  20. Lermie, sounds like we have similar tastes in barbers.